So I’m currently studying for the two back-to-back Microeconomics exams I have at 8 AM tomorrow. However, I deem being on Tumblr and writing a post to be more important than studying (here begins my poor habits). Yet again, I have another lingering thought. It’s like the smoke that kind of stays in limbo while in the air, if that makes sense.
As I was leaving the library after 6 hours of studying (surprisingly productive, too, if you could believe it), an Asian man was in front of us walking towards the door as well. I’m sure he was an international graduate student or something to that extent — in his 20s/30s. I noticed what he wore and what his mannerisms were like. I know I touched upon this thought in another post, but I’ve always wonder what my life would be like if my parents never came to the States.
With that idea permeating, I kind of feel like a traitor to the Chinese. I mean, we’re of the same heritage and there may be some physical similarities but, at the same time, we’re worlds apart. There is that cultural divide between those who have been born here or have lived in the US for the majority of their lives and those who have come here for a future different than the one that they left behind.
Truthfully, I don’t interact with many international Chinese/Asian students and vice versa….it’s not that I don’t want to befriend them, but they also alienate themselves, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting the blame on them; it’s only natural that they want to be with their peers who have come from the same backgrounds. They want to be comfortable…speak their native language and relate to those who may have had similar experiences. That’s not to say that we can’t relate to them, but there’s always a bit of uneasiness.
It leads me to wonder, WHO AM I? I’m a Chinese, first generation American citizen (although here at school I’m just seen as a Chinese student). I’m 20 years old and I’m a junior in college, but that’s not important. What’s important, to me, is what embodies me…my Chinese heritage or the American culture? Sure, I can be both, and I gladly choose that option, but how can I make sure that one part of me doesn’t take over the other? For instance, my Mandarin isn’t great and that makes me feel less Chinese (I know, it sounds dumb but I won’t lie). How do I know that I won’t lose my Chinese background and that I won’t lose the work my parents have put into in building this American life for me? The only thing that seems somewhat certain is what brings myself and the international students together. We’re here for the same thing — the “American Dream”. We dream of success and prosperity. I may see myself as a traitor of sorts, but I also see myself as a person trying to live a life like the rest of us.
My friend and I have been discussing this show (among other shitty MTV shows), and I’m pretty against it. This article shares a lot of similar viewpoints I have about it. Personally, I think the concept is great, but the exploitation of filming this/disillusionment of this “catharsis” is so awful.
These past few weeks (and especially last night) have really pushed in a direction that I should be taking — I’m starting to have these moments of clarity and sometimes I don’t even realize it. Maybe I’m in the eye of the storm or everything’s finally passing by, but it’s kind of thrilling.
I’ve been finding it difficult getting over things, and maybe I’m still not there yet, but I’m slowly finding some solace, some closure, whatever. I’ve been living in so many doubts and anger that it got to be overbearing and reckless, and now there’s a smidgen of something very different. It’s really cheesy, but I feel like I have this renewal of things around me.
I always wonder about the people who I see around me, who enjoy life and don’t worry about what’s to come, and I was always jealous of them. To live with freedom and appreciation…it must have felt like free falling, light and without boundaries. Hopefully I’ll get to feel the same, too.
Just a really random thought, but I’ve always wondered it. I wished that I kept all of my Facebook profile pictures I’ve chosen throughout my time on that time-consuming site. I wonder what the progression would be like. It’s such a random thought haha. FML.
What ever happens to the people we see walking the streets? I always have this thought going through my mind. For all you and I know, one of these people who I have had glimpses of could be the NEXT BIG THING or that person could just be another Average Joe….but sometimes, I just wonder.
It may sound racist, but when I see a lot of Chinese people, I always think about them. Like the international students here at school — what’s life for them behind school? In China, how similar or different is their social life? There’s that much of a culture barrier that I wonder about it. I wonder about what life would’ve been like for me if they stayed in China and it’s odd to think of another life that was entirely possible. How “normal” would have i been? All the stigmas, all the pressures we have here can really vary in China..what would it be like forced to be a part of the norm? Fuck, it’s kind of sickening to think about it.
But I digress…the people we see in our lives…and it’s not the ones we know. It’s some random “nobodies” who walk by you on the street, at school, at home, where ever. What happens to the 7 year old or the newlyweds or some random group of people that you’ll never talk to? How does life go on for them? They’re all some story that I want to know of.
I used to be unafraid of death. Back in high school, I lived with a “Whatever happens, happens” philosophy. However, I just don’t live that way anymore; now, I’m more of a believer of controlling our own fates.
The idea of death, to me, is such a mysterious and frightening thing. I’ve thought about what lies in the future and how things will end of people and I just don’t like that idea. It’s depressing to think about, but I understand — and so we must — that every thing comes to an end; Every life, person, & thought we’ve experienced or known will die…and yet, I’m not satisfied with this.
The thought of immortality, on the other hand, has always been an intriguing and fascinating thing and there are things where I find myself wishing to find the answer to it. I know, I know, it sounds very fairytale and unrealistic, but I’d love to see how we improve/demolish/plateau this planet and how we advance in technology and medicine. I’d love to see the ones I love forever young and forever understanding/ignorant. It’s so foolish and selfish to perpetuate fate, but why shouldn’t I want to? I’m definitely a spiritual person, but I’m not a follower of any religion so the idea of something after death is perplexing to me. I like the ideas of reincarnation, the divide between Heaven and Hell, & the stillness of nothing. I think, admittedly, I’m terrified to see what EXACTLY is after death (if anything).
The one thought that really tethers the idea of death for me is when my parents pass (which, I hope, won’t be for a long, long time). They’re my entrance, my in, to life and they’re the reason why I’m here (although my conspiracist side thinks I was adopted, humor and sarcasm intended), so the fact that I know and they know and we all know that they ultimately must move on is terrifying. I don’t know what I’d do if a loved one were to pass away at this point in my life — it sounds selfish, but I have no idea what I’d do with myself. I’m at a time where I’m finally starting/allowing myself to treasure some things in my life, and I don’t wanna let go to them. It’s like I’m experiencing some possession issues and I don’t know how to remedy them, but in my head I know that it’s because I don’t want to deal with them.
Tonight, my friend and I discussed keeping our minds off of people we’ve been thinking about and how we’ve been using the art of distraction to prevent our minds from wandering.
It led me to think about this notion of finding The One. Every time you turn on the television, you see a commercial about finding love online or wherever…and shit, does it add this unneeded pressure. Who knows if there is The One out there for every person? We’re one of the few — if not the only — species who are serial monogamists. Other animals can feel, too, but what allows us to do this? It adds to my confusion of finding someone in the next few years, adhering this label of “The One”, and thusly getting married. How am I supposed to know that this is all part of the game plan? Admittedly, I’ve brought myself into this thought process and have already begun thinking about future wedding invitations in a few years but it’s all frightening.
We live in this vast and extraordinary world filled with unique and, at times, shocking people…how do we define only one person as being The One? I keep thinking about the people that my friend and I respectively have our minds on. Does this mean that, for each of us, we’re thinking that each respective person is The One? Maybe, maybe not. This could be some smoldering thought that’s stubbornly staying lit or this could be a nod in the right direction (although I’m moreso a fan of the former). Are these feelings I’m experiencing symptoms of puppy love or of some wholesome meaningful thing?
I think it’s safe to say that what we’re feeling can only be normal, but how does it stop? What is this odd euphoria we’re experiencing? Big questions that remain to be answered.